Setting realistic goals when working on sleep
Setting a goal is one of the first things I do with parents when we work together. Why? Well, without a specific goal, how will you know what you are working towards? Frequently the goal is too big, takes on too many different things or is just not appropriate for the age and stage of the baby.
Before working on sleep, it’s really important for you to be clear with yourself on what success looks like. This gives you a chance to look at everything, rather than focus on purely the symptoms of the sleep challenge you are experiencing. It’s often really hard to do, especially when you are knackered, so I’ve broken it down a little to make it easier for you.
Things to think about when setting your goal. There are some direct points here. Not to make anyone feel bad/guilty, the opposite, to normalise normal and shift our minds back to where they should and need to be if we are to best help our little ones.
What is the problem? Be really specific. Is your little one waking up regularly at night, if so, be crystal clear on what time(s) they’re waking, what they are like when they wake (happy/playful/sad/distressed), how long they are waking for and how they are settling/taking to settle. To understand the “what to do” you have to understand what is happening and why it is happening. There are endless resources accessible for free online to help you tackle it when you know these things. Without knowing them, you are playing a game of chance.
What do you want to achieve? 1/2 things max. Would you like your baby to start falling asleep each night in their own cot, without being bounced, rocked or fed or perhaps you're looking for naps to take place in their cot more. These are specific and achievable. A goal such as “my baby to stop waking through the night” would be challenging to say the least as well as unachievable as your overall control of this happening is limited. Sometimes writing it down, taking a step away and rationalising can really help you be clearer on what you want/how you plan to do it.
Be realistic & always account for the age & stage of your baby. “I want them to sleep through the night” or “self-settle” are two of the most common things I hear. These are what I refer to as “Everest Goals”, i.e., only a few will conquer and at a personal expense that no mean feat. Also, to sound like a purposeful broken record, none of us sleep fully through each night, especially babies and self-settling is a glorified dream, broadcast mainly through social media to look a certain way, when in fact, the real look of it is very different i.e. your baby will often sleep independently, happily and calmly, however, there will be occasions that they need you. This. Is. Not. A. Problem.
Top Tip: Educate/learn continually about what is developmentally appropriate for your baby's age as it changes often through infancy. Too often social media, other people or lack of understanding (or a blend of all) allows/leads us to having seriously unrealistic expectations. Having a clear understanding of your baby's actual needs can wipe out some of the negative feelings associated with sleep. Baby's sleep needs differ from adults & it's vital that we remind ourselves of that & not expect too much from them.
Acknowledge your concerns. Remember they are just thoughts & not reality. You never know what will happen & having confidence in the process can achieve wonderful things. When you are tired, exhausted, and anxious or sleep deprived yourself, everything can feel intensified. It’s important you don’t bucket your own feeling away. Find coping strategies to help you during this time. This doesn’t need to cost money. It’s often as simple as looking at where you are putting most your brain space i.e., social media accounts, and how it’s influencing you, making you feel. What you are eating and drinking is also somewhere that’s free to improve and can help address some of your feeling/emotions. Good in good out mentality is too often overlooked.
Write down what success looks like. This should include your feelings too. That you want to be less anxious about sleep daily, that you want to stop dreading naps/bedtime, that you want to be more proactive and know what to do when things “go AWOL”. These are the things that most of my clients call out at the end of our sleep support. Yes, their baby’s sleep has improved, however these personal changes are the ones that have helped them most. “Always acknowledge the wins - no matter how small” is what I coach my clients to do. Too often we shine the limelight on the smallest negative and overlook to collection of wins/improvements that are gathering around you.
And finally - remind yourself of what challenges you've previously beaten in the past. This might feel like climbing Everest, but it isn't. You are strong, capable & with some sleep under your belt again, can do anything you put your mind too.
