Becoming a Parent During COVID Maternal Mental Health Week Special

Last week was Maternal Mental Health week and I felt this was the right time for me to share my own parenting experience. I feel very passionately about breaking the stigma around the challenges of parenting. I want to live in a world where we can talk openly about the downs and not feel the guilt and judgement when doing so.

I’m an optimist at heart and always look for the positives in every situation. I feel we are in a much better place than we were 5/10 years ago when it comes to talking about maternal health however, we are nowhere near where we should be. I think the change starts with each and every one of us speaking more honestly and openly about our journey and not feeling the dread of what may come from doing so. It is taking some serious braveness from me to write this however I am ready to speak.

“I thought I wasn’t prepared for parenting and I was 100% right”. For many years I was of the mindset that I wouldn’t have a child. For many reasons and I was at peace with it as ultimately, it was my decision to make. Things changed as the years passed and I met my husband and my love for him took me down a path of wanting to have “his” baby. I still very much had the non maternal feelings inside me throughout. I am a free spirit, love travelling the world and loved it being just me and my husband too and having the freedom to do whatever, whenever we wanted.

It took me a few years to get my body to a place to try and conceive (I have endometriosis and will do a whole other blog on this). This was a journey of total commitment, adapting my lifestyle and making some big sacrifices along the way. All of this made the thought of possibly becoming a mother more rewarding, knowing what I had done to make it come true. When the time came to try, the stars aligned for us and boom, I was preggers. And then…COVID hit.

I was 12 weeks pregnant when we went into the first lockdown. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t great. I was really sick most of my pregnancy and could have done with the extra people and support around me. That along with the zero antenatal support and the fact my husband couldn’t join me at any appointment made the whole experience pretty surreal. I only really understand now looking back how much this impacted me, making me feel so isolated going into parenthood for the first time.

When Clyde finally arrived into the world we were just going into a second lockdown. As new parents, in a world currently full of fear, we had to make some decisions that no new parent should have to make. We were terrified of anything happening to Clyde or us, as were those who loved us. This led to no-one holding Clyde, cuddling us or being in our direct company for a very very long time. I am crying writing this. I feel guilty that this is what happened. Like somehow we made a huge mistake by not breaking the rules and having people around us. I know in my heart we done what we felt was right and best (not what we actually wanted to do) and had to react in a way that is so far from the opposite of normal when you bring a child into the world.

Pretty much all of my pregnancy and maternity leave was spent during lockdowns/at the height of the pandemic. This has impacted me severely. I have never felt as lonely as I have and my heart often feels sad that no-one close to us can talk to us about their memories of Clyde in his baby days, as they don’t have any. We have almost no pictures with any friends or family and Clyde as a baby and I often am washed with guilt that this was the way it was. I am not to blame for COVID, I know that. We made the best choices we could based on all we knew at the time. It’s not our fault it was this way.

I’ve spent a lot of time working on moving on from this time. Acknowledging my pain and accepting it was part of a process that was the result of a global pandemic. I feel a huge sense of pride when I look at Clyde and see what a wonderful job my husband and I have done (I love you Patrick) and just how amazing a boy he is. I also have to regularly check in on my own mental health and not let the darkness of my thoughts from the past creep into the joy that is in my life. I try my best to speak openly about this to other parents so we all know that we are not alone and it is good to talk about it.

Time is the greatest healer they say. I do believe that to some degree however the greatest healer I believe is support from others and feeling safe to share your thoughts and feelings. We don’t need to go through this alone. Always remember that someone else will have felt how you are feeling and us all speaking more opening about maternal health will make this journey we call parenthood so much easier.